Love Does: Relationship, Not Agenda

“When people realize there’s no agenda other than friendship and a better understanding, things begin to change.”

                             Bob Goff, Love Does

            I’m slowly making my way through this incredible book because God keeps rockin’ my world with every chapter.

            Do you plan your conversations? Do you have conversations in your head before you have them in reality? I sometimes do. Sometimes, I even forget that part of it was in my head, so I don’t understand when it doesn’t make sense to the other person! Often there is a difference in my agenda and the way the conversations happen. What I’ve been experiencing lately is the awesome beauty and fruits of conversations that are WAY more about the relationships than they are about agenda.

            The last several months have been ABUNDANT with connecting with people. Some of you will say, “Well, what else is new?” Yes, I’m blessed with the gift of connecting with, maintaining, and strengthening relationships. This season, however, is moreso about new relationships.

In all of these connections I am making, there is a sharing of a very similar story. With each connection, there is also a hopeful outcome. If those relationships are only about getting what I want, they’re not authentic relationships.  Not only are they not authentic, man would I be missing out and limiting myself! Alison is not about limiting herself!

Each conversation has brought me such hope, such confirmation, and blessing beyond what I could ask or imagine. The glory is looking into someone’s eyes who is telling me she can make part of my dream come true, hearing someone’s vision that matches mine, and making a lifelong friend out of a volunteer airport pickup (gone slightly awry due to running out of gasJ) It’s the graciousness of someone spread so thin knowing exactly what I need and when I need it. On the other side of the table, it’s going into a conversation thinking the person needs one thing and learning they need something else altogether. Sometimes, it’s dropping my To Do list in order to be there for someone else. It’s an honor to be a part of every bit of that. I feel like the most blessed girl on the planet.

As the Auction Manager for the 2015 Sherwin-Williams Countrified Rock for Research, one of my favorite parts of my job is talking to donors and prospective donors.  It is such a gift to hear their stories. It can’t just be about getting an item. I may or may not leave with a donation, but I leave with a connection. So many people have some connection to Parkinson’s. That is the powerful part.  If we get too caught up in the agenda of donations, we miss that!

Sometimes an agenda is important. You need an agenda for business meetings, interviews, even facilitating small group discussions. The most powerful small groups I’ve been a part have been facilitated by leaders who have incredible skill for guiding the discussion, but also letting it go where the needs are. I’ve been moved to tears during some of my Simply Lose It discussions. We start out talking about the triumphs and struggles of weight loss, and the conversation gets taken to a whole new level, a place I know even Danny Cahill didn’t plan. It’s authentic. It’s relationship.

A Balanced Meal: Discipline and Grace

Discipline at many levels

Brace yourselves for this. I’m a bit of a perfectionist. I’m definitely more “Otter” than “Beaver”, but I do feel strongly about my performance.

            Childhood story, a favorite of my Mom’s. She once told me, “You are so anal retentive.” I asked her what that meant. When she told me, I said, “Well, I take that as a compliment!”

            While I have a fun and spirited personality, I do have a lot of discipline. When something is important, I take the time, focus, and effort, whether it’s school, job, event planning, or even supporting someone I love. Even my prayer life is fruit of discipline. I focus diligently on knowing God, hearing His voice, learning His Word, and walking with Him. My health, in all facets, requires discipline too.

Financial Health

            I’ve spent a year really disciplining my finances. Financial discipline has enabled me to get out of credit card debt, finance what I really want, and improve my future.

Physical Health

            My greatest successes in weight loss have come with a combination of support and discipline. My attitude for a long time was along the lines of “I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to give up sweet tea.” My trainer used to ask me how badly I wanted it, and that drove me crazy! What she was getting at though was discipline! I have to put my money where my mouth is. I have to make the continuous decision that if weight loss and good health are what I really want, I have to do what it takes.

Dealing with Failure

            Although disciplined, it is no secret to anyone who knows me that I can be too hard on myself. Historically, “failure” has led to guilt and shame, and not letting the “failure” go. In my weight loss journey, I’ve found that when I slip up, I feel a senses of resignation – not outright quitting, because that is not me at all. It is more of a sense that I’ll have to restart tomorrow, rather than seizing the day.

The 80/20 Rule

            Endorsed by Danny Cahill (my weight loss coach, friend, and winner of Season 8 of The Biggest Loser), along with other health experts, the 80/20 Rule says that for weight loss, you’re doing well if you’re eating on point 80% of the time. I got to thinking recently about this rule as a paradigm for discipline and grace.  I will be treating myself so much better if I can strive for 80% discipline, and let grace fill the rest. The key though is to really be on point with that 80%. I have found that my food slips are the here and there’s more than the classic binges. I have to have the discipline that a cheat meal doesn’t become a cheat day if it is a meal that is planned. The same is true for not letting a cheat day become a cheat weekend. I must choose that 80% discipline. Then, I need to allow grace to fill in…

***Disclaimer. I am not offering that grace is only 20%. This is a paradigm, not an exact parallel. ***

Pleasant Boundaries

            Psalm 16:6 says, “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleant places; surely I will have a delightful inheritance.” This verse can apply to a variety of boundary and balance contexts. It encourages me a lot.

            In this context, with the discipline comes a boundary made pleasant by grace. It’s about doing everything I can, but gifting myself and others with grace for the rest. It’s about remembering that God is God and we are only humans.

           

Grace

            I remember giving a testimony about grace in high school to my youth group. I can honestly say I didn’t really understand grace, but was just excited to share my testimony.

            I’ve been learning a lot about grace lately and what it looks like in my life.

Grace from Others

            The Lord is so gracious to me. Grace abounds through the people in my life. I experience grace when someone is incredibly patient with me as I get stuck in my head overanalyzing. I experience grace when I push and push and still they love me through it.

            Grace aplenty came from a meeting I missed last week. As I was frantically apologizing, the man I was to meet said, “Alison, we have time. There is no pressure. The Kingdom of God is abounding with grace. God extends a boatload of grace to me, so I can extend grace to you.”

            Think about that. We miss a lot of meetings with God. We keep Him waiting a LOT. We mess up a lot. And yet, there He remains with loving grace!

            Ordinarily, missing this meeting would have totally ruined my day. That behavior would not be considered disciplined. His words, however, were so gentle, so kind, and so loving….that is grace!

Grace to Others

           

            I’ll admit it. I have high expectations. I have seen kids and teens that I work with rise to them. I think it also helps me not to settle. When out of balance, however, the high expectations, can negatively affect the relationships I value most. I’ve spent so much time in my life making my parents feel like they had to tiptoe around me, trying to make sure their responses or facial expressions wouldn’t hurt my feelings. With my friends, I have expected too much of them in terms of their responsiveness to me. Just because I’m attached to my phone doesn’t mean everyone else is. Not everything requires a response (even if I’m thinking there should be one.) That’s MY perspective. Their perspective might be that what they are reading or hearing is a tidbit, or that they can respond to whatever randomness I’m offering in that moment, or even that they can formulate a worthy response in their busy day. These aren’t just words. This is not mastery, but it is in progress. I’m learning to see it from THEIR perspective.

My loved ones need breathing room. What I often find, too, is that when they have that breathing room, and when I stop freaking out that they are not responding, they surprise me. They exceed my expectations. Even if they don’t, I still want them to receive this grace. God extends, others extend, and I need to extend that grace. They need those pleasant boundaries.

Grace for myself

This is by far the hardest for a perfectionist. If others can extend me grace and God can extend me grace, who am I to deny myself grace? I’ve been learning that I don’t have o try so hard, and I have had a lot of Champion Moments with this. If anyone else is worthy of forgiveness, as a child of God, I am too! Who am I to say that God can give this person grace or that person grace, but not me? I too am enough. I too am human. Truly walking in this grace and giving myself PERMISSION, is incredible FREEDOM. 

Inside Out: Convictions and Perspectives

SPOILER ALERT! If you have not seen the movie and wish to do so, you may choose not to read this post until you have.

            Like most Pixar movies, Inside Out was on my radar to see. The sense of urgency increased as I began to hear what a profound movie it is, how it deals so well with feelings, and that it is a must-watch for anyone who loves or works with persons with disabilities. All of that and awesome friends took me to see the movie Monday night. I can’t possibly tackle everything the movie offered in this post. I will offer some of the initial insights that I derived, the perspectives it offered, and the convictions it so powerfully gave me in light of where I am.

Fixing with Joy

            God got my attention within the first five minutes of the film.  The story opens with a new baby, Riley and her parents beaming at their baby girl. The Emotion/character Joy is doing a voiceover. For the first moments of Riley’s life, Joy is the only emotion inside Riley. Sadness enters the picture with Riley’s   first cry. Joy says, “I’m Joy. I can fix this.” CONVICTION. How many times have I done that in my life? How many people have I wanted so much to help that I tried to “fix” them with joy? Don’t get me wrong or feel concerned. I KNOW that my Joy is a gift. I know that it is one of my greatest giftings. I KNOW that it is one of the reasons I’m on this planet, so that I can bring people joy. It just became very clear in that moment that God was using this movie to truly speak to me and continue the work He has been doing in me.

“”Emotions can’t quit, genius.” Disgust to Anger

            With Joy and Sadness missing from Headquarters, Riley is left to the controls of Anger, Fear, and Disgust. First of all, how brilliant of the writers. Riley is 11. She is at the age of onset when those emotions do take control! Riley’s life is in chaos and she is miserable. Her “personality lands” are falling apart…with her family, friends, even her honesty. Anger is ready to walk out, which is when Disgust tells him that EMOTIONS CAN’T QUIT.

            Feelings are feelings. They are in us, they are a part of us. It’s what we do wth them.

Anger can be positive if it drives us to positive action or strength. Think about the organizations and causes fueled by anger. Danny Cahill likes to refer to Mothers Against Drunk Driving. That came from a place of anger and a desire for change. Burying or denying anger is certainly unhealthy. I have had the opportunity to lay down some anger I’ve been dealing with for WAY TOO LONG. It was affecting me way more than I realized. Dealing with that anger was one of the most freeing experiences of my life.

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, but as I mentioned, does not need to be used to “fix” or hide other emotions.

Sadness is another emotion that again, is not bad. I love how Sadness is portrayed. Initially Joy’s biggest adversary, it is Sadness that truly knows the way. It is Sadness willing to help Joy. It is Sadness that ultimately teaches Joy important lessons. But when ignored, Sadness leads to loneliness and depression.

Fear of a hot stove is a good thing. One of my biggest fears is getting lost by myself. Fears can protect us. They can equip us to make wise decisions. Fears that keep us from enjoying life or make us crazy, on the other hand, are fears that need to be handled more healthfully.

“You need me to be happy.”

Some of Riley’s problems stem from the fact that her Mom told her that since they moved, Riley’s Dad is really stressed and what the family needs is for Riley to be happy. Riley was forced to put on a happy face when she wasn’t. I have recently heard the phrase “hiding behind happy”. The truth is that there are times when I’ll put on the happy face when there are a multitude of other emotions lying underneath the surface. Emotions can’t quit, remember?

Emotional Perspective

Joy spends a large portion of the movie trying to keep Sadness from making things worse. Sadness, from Joy’s perspective, is messing everything up. Everything she touches is turning blue. Joy is trying so hard to protect the memories from Sadness that they end up separated from Headquarters and the control center.

What Joy doesn’t realize is how helpful Sadness can be. Sadness, having read the manuals, knows the direction they need to go. Joy won’t hear of it. She ends up abandoning Sadness in hopes of protecting the memories to stay Joyful and make her way back to Headquarters.

It isn’t until Joy is alone with Riley’s imaginary friend that she begins to see the importance of Sadness. She holds a memory sphere in her hand. As she turns it in her hand, she sees the other side of a memory. She sees that after missing a hockey goal, it is Riley’s sadness that summons her family and friends to support her.

It’s all about perspective. We get so focused on our way of looking at things that we miss other points of view. Sit in a different chair. Stand where you usually sit. Listen when you usually talk. Things will look different. There have been times in my life where my Joy has been perceived as over—the-top hyperness rather than joy. I may see moment as rejection, while the other person may see the same moment as pride.

Another great example: Facebook. When I post on Facebook, I’m posting a perspective. You’re not getting the whole picture. In fact, most of the time, unless it is in a group, I try to keep it positive. If you only go by Facebook, you won’t know the full scope of what is going on with me.

“Get that idea out of her head”

            People who have been walking closely with me lately are probably laughing about now. Riley gets it in her head (in the form of a sphere going into a hole in the control panel) that the solution to her problems is to run away! This part of the movie is PURE GENIUS! The idea ball literally gets stuck in the control panel! The emotions panic. I could have a whole ball pit of stuck ideas;) I’ve been learning how to free those ideas from my head, without the panic. It is wonderful.

Imagination launching Joy in the right direction

            Joy and Sadness encounter Bing Bong on their journey. Bing Bong is Riley’s  childhood imaginary friend. Bing Bong is also a hero for Joy, when he literally launches her out of the Dump so that she can reach the surface, which will lead back to to Sadness and then Headquarters.

            There is a place. It is a wonderful place. It’s called AliLand. It’s where I dream up crazy adventures, some a little more unrealistic than others. I’ve done a lot of really cool things in my life that came from dreams. How ‘bout seeing four of my all-time favorite artists in the last 2 years? Then there’s my adventure in cars and busses to get to North Georgia in back in 18 hours to support a friend. Not much can top following a celebrity for 5 years and ultimately calling him Coach and friend! There’s so much more where that came from…my imagination!

           

Honorabe Mention

            The Facts and Opinions end up in the same box, mixed together. Hehehehe. Genius.

Conclusion

           

            Inside Out is brilliant! It is profound! It so beautifully depicts life, feelings, personality, and truth. I am confident that I could watch it again and pull all new insights from it. What’d you think?