What Really Needs Healing?

How many of you have told me, "I forget that you can.t see?" How many of you had no idea when you met me that I have low vision? Both of these are pretty common when you have an "invisible disability", a disability that is not obvious by looking at the person. Now, how many of you have noticed self esteem issues or my or seen my feelings hurt because of a facial expression or comment? How many of you have listened to my history with bullying? So, what is really IMPAIRING my life?

About 10 years ago, some friends started praying for God to heal my eyes.  It certainly showed the beauty of the power of prayer. God did give me a miracle. I saw the stars for the first time, found a watch in the dark, and read a particular highway sign. I thank God for this miracle, for showing me His Majesty in my life!

During this time, healing prayer was a major part of the fabric of my campus ministry. Some experiences were a bit more...biblically literal than others;) I heard and discerned through a variety of teachings on disabilty/illness and in particular,  its connection to our sin   Interpretations of the healing stories in the Bible are controversial.

While forever grateful for my partial healing, I have always grappled with the question of whether or not it is a Gods will for my eyes to be completely healed. As far back as high school, I've viewed my vision as a blessing! I see clearly people's hearts! I have a gift of discerning. Some of the most important relationships of my life started with a car ride. My vision has been the coolest platform for me to live out my purpose, to witness to overcoming obstacles, to not letting anything stand in my way. My greatest skill as both a special educator and a friend to this population is my empathy and ability to relate to others. In John 9, while among the controversial Gospel stories, Jesus says it so well: "It is so that the works of God might be made visible through him (Alison)." This is a beautiful and wonderful part of howI'm  made.

On the other hand, I feel so much more IMPAIRED by my internal struggles. I can get cross country with just a few arrangements and the help of the best friends and family, and yet, there is a good possibility that at some point, I'm going to misinterpret a comment or action of someone I love and get hung up by the tape that plays in my head. If you're not familiar with the idea of tapes, I mean those words that are programmed that tend to play in our heads regarding certain topics. We hear stories that aren't actually real. They take away from being truly present to that relationship.

I love the Serenity Prayer. The first half says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

 I have SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change. I embrace the blessing of my condition. I have spent a lot of years keeping a positive attitude.  I strive to see the blessing and the silver lining.

COURAGE to change the things I CAN.  Courage is very active in my life right now as I seek to overcome some hang ups and junk from my past. I'm digging really deep right now with the help of the Journey Training and another coaching group.  I can't change what you say or do. But I CAN CHANGE how I respond to it! I can live out my purpose in true freedom!

WISDOM to KNOW the difference. While I feel blessed to have been given a lot of wisdom in my life. I'd like to focus on the wisdom of the last couple weeks. I'm spending this week at the Summer Institute on Theology and Disability, where wisdom is abounding. After years of grappling with the eyesight healing issue, here's what The Lord has offered me:

Do I think The Lord can heal? Absolutely. He has. He can. He does. He will
Do I think healing can be both supernatural and medical? Yep!
Do I think He loves me enough to heal me? With my whole heart.
Do I think it's His will to completely heal my physical eyes? Not convinced.

What really needs healing? Past wounds of bullying, negative tapes that play, the things that impair my relationships and my living out of my purpose. THATS WHAT I WANT. THATS WHAT I believe.

The above was mostly formulated on Wednesday morning of the Summer Institute. Thursday afternoon, a wonderful man, Mark Crenshaw, gave a talk on identifying and bearing the gifts of people with disabilities. He said, "I could experience healing in my life without being cured of cerebral palsy." Amen

Resolving my commitment issues...with myself

Last summer, my dear and wise friend called me to the carpet. She has a way of speaking truth and conviction into my life. You know, the type. They make you want to scream...because they're right? On this occasion, she was calling me out because I was not meeting one of my goals. I had procrastinated on taking care of something necessary to meeting that goal...and yet, I had spent so much time and energy helping a friend plan his life, details and all. He was going to start a new adventure while I had put a hold on mine.

This episode reoccured to me last weekend, as another wise man who speaks truth into my life asked a group of us about levels of commitment. People shared about spousal commitments, work commitments, and such  I agreed, but what I realized is that I have two main levels: everyone else and myself. I it is anyone else, I try my very hardest to honor that commitment, but how often I let myself down.

Danny Cahill refers to the "Rocky Effect"as when "you get motivated to change, but the motivation soon dissipates into thin air." My Rocky Effect comes when I put others' adventures in front of my own, when my adventures blur with theirs. It's when I get wrapped up in a friend's wedding and then I have an energy crash. It's when I'm so focused on someone else's struggles, I ignore my own. It's when I fight the spirit of comparison and experience sadness after an extended period with friends and their small children. DON'T MISHEAR ME. It's an honor to be a part of the weddings...it's in my very purpose to support you in your struggles, and your families bring me abundant joy. It can just get out of balance!

How many times have I heard and said in Church, "You can't give what you don't have"?  How am I serving others well if I'm not taking care of myself?

Over the last week, I've had to face another hard truth. Was I really hiding in other people's adventures because I couldn't make mine happen?

Thankfully, we have a redeeming God with perfect timing. There was a moment during my Journey Training in Oklahoma when I was in a situation that God used to teach me about two important things: urgency and my worth. In this situation, I knew what I needed to do, and yet, I clearly heard Him say, "Alison, you're running out of time! Do it now!" Then, even after I stood up for myself (literally and figuratively), I was faced with another choice. Defer the opportunity to friends with valid reasons to have it over me...or plead my case. The Holy Spirit, so kind and clear, said to my heart, "Fight for yourself!"

Stay tuned, because a lot more is coming...until then, what do you need to fight for? Who do you need to recommit to? What is holding you back from what you want?