What Really Needs Healing?

How many of you have told me, "I forget that you can.t see?" How many of you had no idea when you met me that I have low vision? Both of these are pretty common when you have an "invisible disability", a disability that is not obvious by looking at the person. Now, how many of you have noticed self esteem issues or my or seen my feelings hurt because of a facial expression or comment? How many of you have listened to my history with bullying? So, what is really IMPAIRING my life?

About 10 years ago, some friends started praying for God to heal my eyes.  It certainly showed the beauty of the power of prayer. God did give me a miracle. I saw the stars for the first time, found a watch in the dark, and read a particular highway sign. I thank God for this miracle, for showing me His Majesty in my life!

During this time, healing prayer was a major part of the fabric of my campus ministry. Some experiences were a bit more...biblically literal than others;) I heard and discerned through a variety of teachings on disabilty/illness and in particular,  its connection to our sin   Interpretations of the healing stories in the Bible are controversial.

While forever grateful for my partial healing, I have always grappled with the question of whether or not it is a Gods will for my eyes to be completely healed. As far back as high school, I've viewed my vision as a blessing! I see clearly people's hearts! I have a gift of discerning. Some of the most important relationships of my life started with a car ride. My vision has been the coolest platform for me to live out my purpose, to witness to overcoming obstacles, to not letting anything stand in my way. My greatest skill as both a special educator and a friend to this population is my empathy and ability to relate to others. In John 9, while among the controversial Gospel stories, Jesus says it so well: "It is so that the works of God might be made visible through him (Alison)." This is a beautiful and wonderful part of howI'm  made.

On the other hand, I feel so much more IMPAIRED by my internal struggles. I can get cross country with just a few arrangements and the help of the best friends and family, and yet, there is a good possibility that at some point, I'm going to misinterpret a comment or action of someone I love and get hung up by the tape that plays in my head. If you're not familiar with the idea of tapes, I mean those words that are programmed that tend to play in our heads regarding certain topics. We hear stories that aren't actually real. They take away from being truly present to that relationship.

I love the Serenity Prayer. The first half says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

 I have SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change. I embrace the blessing of my condition. I have spent a lot of years keeping a positive attitude.  I strive to see the blessing and the silver lining.

COURAGE to change the things I CAN.  Courage is very active in my life right now as I seek to overcome some hang ups and junk from my past. I'm digging really deep right now with the help of the Journey Training and another coaching group.  I can't change what you say or do. But I CAN CHANGE how I respond to it! I can live out my purpose in true freedom!

WISDOM to KNOW the difference. While I feel blessed to have been given a lot of wisdom in my life. I'd like to focus on the wisdom of the last couple weeks. I'm spending this week at the Summer Institute on Theology and Disability, where wisdom is abounding. After years of grappling with the eyesight healing issue, here's what The Lord has offered me:

Do I think The Lord can heal? Absolutely. He has. He can. He does. He will
Do I think healing can be both supernatural and medical? Yep!
Do I think He loves me enough to heal me? With my whole heart.
Do I think it's His will to completely heal my physical eyes? Not convinced.

What really needs healing? Past wounds of bullying, negative tapes that play, the things that impair my relationships and my living out of my purpose. THATS WHAT I WANT. THATS WHAT I believe.

The above was mostly formulated on Wednesday morning of the Summer Institute. Thursday afternoon, a wonderful man, Mark Crenshaw, gave a talk on identifying and bearing the gifts of people with disabilities. He said, "I could experience healing in my life without being cured of cerebral palsy." Amen

Resolving my commitment issues...with myself

Last summer, my dear and wise friend called me to the carpet. She has a way of speaking truth and conviction into my life. You know, the type. They make you want to scream...because they're right? On this occasion, she was calling me out because I was not meeting one of my goals. I had procrastinated on taking care of something necessary to meeting that goal...and yet, I had spent so much time and energy helping a friend plan his life, details and all. He was going to start a new adventure while I had put a hold on mine.

This episode reoccured to me last weekend, as another wise man who speaks truth into my life asked a group of us about levels of commitment. People shared about spousal commitments, work commitments, and such  I agreed, but what I realized is that I have two main levels: everyone else and myself. I it is anyone else, I try my very hardest to honor that commitment, but how often I let myself down.

Danny Cahill refers to the "Rocky Effect"as when "you get motivated to change, but the motivation soon dissipates into thin air." My Rocky Effect comes when I put others' adventures in front of my own, when my adventures blur with theirs. It's when I get wrapped up in a friend's wedding and then I have an energy crash. It's when I'm so focused on someone else's struggles, I ignore my own. It's when I fight the spirit of comparison and experience sadness after an extended period with friends and their small children. DON'T MISHEAR ME. It's an honor to be a part of the weddings...it's in my very purpose to support you in your struggles, and your families bring me abundant joy. It can just get out of balance!

How many times have I heard and said in Church, "You can't give what you don't have"?  How am I serving others well if I'm not taking care of myself?

Over the last week, I've had to face another hard truth. Was I really hiding in other people's adventures because I couldn't make mine happen?

Thankfully, we have a redeeming God with perfect timing. There was a moment during my Journey Training in Oklahoma when I was in a situation that God used to teach me about two important things: urgency and my worth. In this situation, I knew what I needed to do, and yet, I clearly heard Him say, "Alison, you're running out of time! Do it now!" Then, even after I stood up for myself (literally and figuratively), I was faced with another choice. Defer the opportunity to friends with valid reasons to have it over me...or plead my case. The Holy Spirit, so kind and clear, said to my heart, "Fight for yourself!"

Stay tuned, because a lot more is coming...until then, what do you need to fight for? Who do you need to recommit to? What is holding you back from what you want?

I'm Sexy and I Know It

Hold up. Did Alison just quote LMFAO in her Blog Title? Hold up again. Did Alison just call herself Sexy?

Depending on how well you know me may determine which one of those things is more surprising.

One of my best friends, Blogger Laughing Scholar, once gave me a book called Sex God by Rob Bell. If you're Catholic, it's like a Protestant's Theology of the Body. If you're not Catholic, it is the author's thoughts on God and sexuality Author Rob Bell defined sexy as "being comfortable in your own skin". I've spent most of my life being very un-sexy.

I've hear a lot lately, "Pictures don't lie." I spent so many years cropping out unpleasant parts of myself, or getting frustrated over pictures of me. Then, as I started to lose weight and get healthy, the pictures became motivators for me, showing me the results the scale wasn't always showing.

One of my primary languages for receiving love is through Words of Affirmation. People have been so loving lately, encouraging and affirming me with their noticing my improved physique. It means so much to me. More importantly, I'm seeing it in myself. I'm looking and re-looking at pictures. I'm in disbelief at what I'm seeing! Seriously, I have wanted it so long, and yet it's almost a foreign appearance.

My Sexy Shadow

You know how sometimes you look at yourself in a "fat mirror" or at a weird angle? It can be very alarming how the viewing platform and light can modify the image. A couple weeks ago, I was walking with a friend and I was struck by my shadow. I was happy with what I saw! Again, it's an image, but still, it has taken me a lot to get to this place of comfort and contentment.

Sexy Enough to Shop with Friends
Except for a phase as a young child when Northlake Mall was the last place I wanted to be because it meant my Mom would be spending an eternity in a department store, I've loved shopping for clothes. But I rarely went with friends. I couldn't deal with shopping for clothes twice their size. I was so embarrassed. Then, there was the dressing room. My mom has stored up a lot of treasure in Heaven, loving me through so many tears and arguments while in the dressing room. Sorry Mom. God Bless you.

I've had a couple of very positive dressing room experiences lately. I'm confident and comfortable having people help me look for my size. No more shame. And as I try on clothes, I keep saying: "It feels good to feel good." 

Comfortable. Good. Healthy.

Sexy.

Being overweight doesn't make me happy, but being healthy makes me Joyful

I had a very strong reaction to a post I've seen a couple times. It is by a woman who says that she used to be thin and unhappy, but was hit by a lot of tough circumstances, and is now fat and happy. You can read the article here so you have a context for my response.

http://www.ravishly.com/2015/02/10/being-thin-didnt-make-me-happy-being-fat-does

Let me acknowledge some things first...

1. I know that anything you do in excess, be it drinking, tv watching, or even good things like exercising and eating a low calorie diet, can push you over the edge.

2. I know that circumstances and stress can really take their toll on the waistline and belly.

3. I know some medications can induce significant weight gain.

4. I am not under the illusion that I can begin to fathom some of the struggles of the obese...

Me? I don't want to be fat and happy. I want to be healthy and joyful.

When the woman was thin, she was eating 200 fewer calories than many weight loss experts suggest, not giving her body a recovery time from exercise, sleeping a few hours a night, and that oh so dangerous behavior...denying herself. I am not perfect with my calories, but I try to stay in a good range. Anyone who knows me knows that I need more rest and sleep, but I do take advantage of them. And yes, I am practicing self control with my nutrition, but I'm living a lifestyle of discipline and enjoyment, not deprivation.

                   "Happiness does not require thinness. Fatness does not guarantee sadness."

Sure, there are "happy" people that aren't thin. There are thin people who are very sad. But there are sure a whole lot of overweight people who aren't happy. My problem with this statement is not so much what is said, but with what is not said.

It's not really for me to judge what can make someone happy. Everyone's journey is his own, and each has his "why" for being overweight or losing weight. I can tell you about me though. I can tell you that being overweight plagued me from middle school onward. I can tell you that it was always one more thing wrong with me, one more thing hammering at my self esteem. I can tell you that I'm amazed by my energy levels and endurance.

I'm not trying to be thin. I'm trying to be healthy. Do I have a finite goal in mind? Yes. But more than that, it's about being able to do full pushups, hold my own in a hard fitness class, do a plank on the de-stabilizing Bosu Ball. It's about cooking healthy and feeling good when I eat well. It's about having the endurance to be an active Special Education teacher. I want to be healthy.

Now, for a Vocabulary lesson...

happiness: the state of feeling or showing pleasure or contentment
joy: the state of GREAT pleasure or happiness

I have also heard that happiness is circumstantial and joy is unconditional.

I choose health. I choose joy.

`

New Creation

"I am not ashamed, I'm a new creation. I am not ashamed anymore."

These words opened a Church service I attended Sunday morning. God, as only God can do, so beautifully timed this one. The morning of this service was my final weigh-in for the first 30 Day Challenge. I nervously stepped on the scale, knowing I was feeling sluggish and that I had indulged a bit much the week before this. Yes, the sweet tooth reared its ugly ahead and I had gained a pound that week. I could say it was the day or that I was sick and on medicine. Nope, I'm going to own it. I had more treats than I did exercise.

Danny's mantra is "Lose Your Quit", and I'm not gonna let this setback go any further. After all, in the big picture, I did awesome last month and I've had great success in the last year!

Back to the Church service...

Author's Note: This is a reflection on the Creation story in Genesis. I think God is speaking regardless  of whether it was a day as we know it or an allegorical day. Please read it for the point God was making.


The Pastor was preaching on the Creation story in Genesis 1. He was going through the account day by day, reflecting on the significance of each day's creations, as well as the parallels to our own lives. What really resonated with me were Days 3 and 4, not only what was created, but also in the sequence and the way God had to FINISH WHAT HE STARTED.

The third day is when the water gathered into a basin to separate the ocean from the dry land. Then He brought forth vegetation and fruit. Whew! Busy day! The Pastor reflected on the stormy chaos that day must have been, and yet the earth needed to come out of the water to be able to have the FRUIT. Then, as it was in Hebrew culture, the day started in the evening, so we head into the fourth day. God called into Creation the "lights in the dome", or the Sun and the Moon in the sky, to illuminate the Earth and separate day from night. We have seasons and years because of the fourth day.

What if God had stopped with the third day? What if He looked at it and said, "What a stormy, chaotic mess. I quit." He didn't quit! He kept going! Because He kept going, we have the Sun and Moon, the sources of light, seasons, and time! God went on to create beasts, animals, and ultimately, humanity! Oh, and it was ALL GOOD!

I can tell you another time I know God finished what He started. He had just allowed His only Son to be betrayed, tortured, and Crucified! Imagine if He had thrown in the towel with Good Friday. There wouldn't be an Easter Sunday!

If you know me, you know I don't really know the meaning of "can't". I'm more likely to burn the candle at both ends or run something over before it is going to stop me. That could be a post in and of itself. Focusing on the weight loss, however, what if I'd quit when someone told me that without Personal Training, I'd fail? What if I thought 6 pounds and a fabulous dress was enough? What if I lost hope when I plateaued or gained? I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be me.

I'm a work in progress. I'm a new creation. God will finish what He started and so will I.

Fed Up!

Some of this will be review, but it sets up my December

To those who know me, it's no secret that I've struggled with self esteem and my weight my whole life. Those who know me well/are my Facebook friends know that for the last 5 years, I've been on a journey to really lose the weight and get healthy. Many know that my move to California and the Biggest Loser were major vehicles for making this goal happen.

My first week in San Diego, 2009, I was in my parents' temporary apartment looking for something to watch on TV. The Lord had already been working on me that this was going to be the season of change, that with His help, I was going to finally lose the weight. I decided to check out the show Biggest Loser, in its 8th season. I was immediately drawn to it, inspired by the stories and relating in different ways to people on the show. A gym membership, supportive parents, time on my hands, and Biggest Loser set up the beginning of my journey. I've been at it for 5 years now, with its victories, downs, plateaus, and backslides, but remained hopeful and determined.

Season 8 of Biggest Loser had one contestant, Danny Cahill, that I rooted for all season. I know it's TV, but I could tell he was a man of good character and integrity, plus a musician and man of God. I was so excited when he won!

Because I'm Alison, I followed him on Facebook, and then one day in November 2014, I saw something that got me so excited! Danny was hosting a 30 Day Challenge in December! He formed a support group and was offering to coach 16 people on their journey through nutrition, fitness, and weekly conference calls. After some prayerful consideration, I jumped at it! And so began a Simply Lose It FED UP Challenge! In December of all times!

One of the things thats had me from the beginning is that here's this celebrity calling ME, coaching ME! Not only does he have status as the Biggest Biggest Loser, he has done it. He's learned from some of the best in the world and knows what it takes! That has helped the process for sure!

The first week took a lot of work, planning, and money. When I lost 5 pounds that first week, I knew it was worth it! Before, doing other programs, I've lost 2-3 on a good week.

I normally am a sequential storyteller, but I think this is better to be described in themes, what I've learned through this process.

Planning and Structure

Danny's Simply Lose It Meal Plan consists of well-balanced meals with portions based on our current weight. I have taken his meal plan and I compose a weekly chart, so I know exactly what I'm eating all week. I then do my grocery shopping, and make what meals ahead of time that I can. I may make a pound of turkey burgers, grill some chicken breasts, boil some eggs. I was already doing some meal prep, but this ups it significantly.  While some might think this restrictive, it has been freeing for me. I have a plan. It takes having to think out of it. By having yummy food ready, I can say no to temptations like Moes on the way home, because the foods ready and waiting! I would say this has been the biggest key to my success.

I eat a ton!

I've been amazed by the amount of food I get to eat. It goes to show that its not just counting calories, but the KINDS of calories. Example: I was eating a hard boiled egg for breakfast. Healthy, protein, awesome start. But I found that I was starving by 10 am! On this plan, I can have egg and muffin and fruit OR oatmeal AND yogurt! It's quite satisfying.

Lifestyle

I've long said I don't want a diet, I want a lifestyle. So far, this has proven to be a lifestyle. I enjoy the foods I'm eating They are REAL foods. I can eat out well on this food! I don't like being one of those people who makes her eating habits burdens for other people. I can choose well while waiting out! lost weight eating in New York City for 6 days!

Things I don't miss

Whether by cheating or substituting, I've discovered there are certain foods I don't miss: regular french fries (I  prefer sweet potato fries), burger buns, average delivery pizza (real NY pizza is a different story), and most dinner bread!

Self control

Before the Challenge, when I wasn't seeing the results I wanted, my Personal Trainer who I love dearly asked me, "How bad do you want it?" That frustrated the dickens out of me! I want it more than pretty much anything! But as I'v changed my behaviors through this Challenge, I've realized I have more self control than I thought. I've realized that this is what its like to put my money where my mouth is in terms of wanting it. One of the things I've been telling myself lately is, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Food addiction is like alcoholism or any other addiction. Some people can be around it without temptation, some need no exposure whatsoever. For me, I am discovering that there are certain times when I need to eat none of something because I won't stop (like Mexican chips) and some foods I can eat a little of and be good. God really wanted me to learn about my own self control.

I stress that I"m learning, definitely not mastered.

The weight of the food

Between a foot injury and the busyness of December, I wouldn't say my fitness increased dramatically during the Challenge. That means that the majority of the results really are the nutrition! Danny says, "You can't outrun a bad diet."

Personality and Community

My trainer and I have talked about the roots of the successes here, especially because many of the components are things she's been telling me since January of last year. I am an extrovert, so having a group doing this with is huge. We have become quite a community and I love reading their posts and sharing mine. I love getting to personally talk to them and especially Danny on a weekly basis. 

I am also thankful to have an amazing fitness community at home. Spearheaded by my trainer, pushing me and holding me accountable, I have an awesome fitness class. They not only make fitness fun, but also provide built in structure I need!

Affirmations

One of my primary love languages is words of affirmation. The reception I've received to my journey has been incredible, and has really kept me going. From people telling me how good I look to my parents asking where the rest of me is when they haven't seen me in 6 months. I've had friends notice who saw me only weeks ago and friends who saw me a decade ago! With my self esteem issues and the fact that I'm looking at myself every day, these words mean more to me than I can express. But it's not just how I look. My sister observed how "the unstable one" was remaining stable on a ferry. My best friend who knows my journey and has watched me VERY carefully over the last 8 years, noticed how well I navigated over a baby gate. Yes, I"m losing weight, but going on a year and a half of Pilates and Weight Training, my overall balance, stability, and strength is improving significantly, which is huge for my body, considering I had a prenatal stroke and have a weaker left side. 

Going Forward...

The Challenge officially ends today, but I'm not done. This is a lifestyle, and I still have a goal weight to reach. Danny is graciously counting for another month with those of us wishing to continue. I'm no ready to be let loose! Looking ahead!

"You don't need a reality show to change your life. You need to change your mind."

"The physical manifestation happened long after the decision not to quit."

Thank you, Danny Cahill.

New Year, New Blog

Back to Blogging...

I had a blog for awhile, but then it was mysteriously removed. I then started email blogging my adventures. For no particular reason it's been awhile. Considering a new chapter I started, I thought it was time to restart!

The Inspired and Inspiring...

Like the title? It really speaks to how I live. I am inspired, and I'm driven by those inspirations. I love to share those inspirations! One of my favorite definitions of inspiration is "of the Spirit". It is my hope and prayer that these experiences and words will bless others!

I welcome comments and feedback!